Although I may talk about many different things on this blog, the main reason I created this blog was to share things with people struggling with Eating Disorders. First off, I have struggled with anorexia for many years. I have been to treatment center, after treatment center. Psych wards and such included. And so I know how tough it is. I know how much of a struggle it is and how tempting it is to give in to those eating disorder thoughts. But now I also know the joys of being free from it.
For those who are struggling with an eating disorder, I want you to know that you aren't alone. I want you to know that I'm here for you and that life will get better. I wish I had known all the things I know now back then. You don't have to agree with anything I write, just read it.
1. I wish I had known and actually understood how much I was giving up to have my eating disorder.
Because of all the days I had to spend at the hospitals, or at residential treatment, I missed countless amounts of birthday parties, carnivals, graduations, pep rally's, football games, and other events that are part of growing up and enjoying teenage life. I also had to leave home and all my friends behind for almost an entire year. But, even if you don't have to leave, when you are in your eating disorder, you can't care about anyone you love. You can't focus on the people you are trying to impress or appreciate all the little things in life because your eating disorder will not let you.
2. I wish I had been at the point where I could have accepted how bad things actually were
My eating disorder told me that all that mattered was my weight and that I wasn't skinny enough still. But in reality, my heart was about to give out. Eating Disorders don't care about you. That's the honest truth. They will lie and deceive you even if in the moment it seems so real. Which is why recovery is probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
3. I wish I had known what Recovery really is
Recovery is not tricking the doctors and faking the weigh ins. Recovery is flippin hard. It requires every ounce of your strength. To really try to recover, you literally will have to face your biggest fears head on. But you don't have to be alone in the battle. When I was deep in my eating disorder, I worked with my counselor multiple times a week to try and extinguish those ED thoughts. One thing I can suggest for people who struggle with those thoughts is to identify the truth in them. Because ED's want you to think you need them, but you are actually so much better off without them!
4. I wish I had known how blinding the eating disorder is
I didn't realize till many months into recovery how blinded I had been by ED. When I try to think back to when I was really in my eating disorder, I'm really just shocked by all the things that were in my head. Because none of it was what the real me wanted. There was nothing about my love for animals, nature or traveling, it was all about weight and calories.
5. I wish I had known that I wasn't a lost cause
Sometimes, I felt really just stuck. Like I felt like I wanted to be happier but I couldn't. And I felt like inside at times I was screaming help me but no one could see. And I know that it can't just be me who has felt these things. But no one is ever broken. There's always still time to pick a different street.
6. I wish someone would have told me to really notice how miserable I was
It's almost comedic now when I look back at those years and ask myself how I didn't notice how miserable I really was. I'm so much happier with my life now, I've got friends, I feel great about my body, I can eat whatever the heck I want without worry, and I feel happy with my life. Everything was completely opposite when I was with ED. And my time with ED was definitely not worth it!
7. I wish I had realized how loved I was earlier than I did
It wasn't till a little over half a year ago that I finally accepted that maybe it was possible that someone cared about me. My eating disorder had told me so many lies about myself that I believed myself to be truly worthless. But when I was at my most recent treatment facility, I was upset.one night. When another girl came over to talk with me, I instantly told her to go away. But instead of going away she refused. She said that she cared too much to leave me. Since I have had so many experiences with everyone leaving me in the past, by her telling me hat she cared about me, I was able to start proving to myself all the things ED was lying to me about.
-Love, T.
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